Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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