when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
