Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
