I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
