got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
