We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
