You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
