I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
