I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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