Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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