Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
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She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
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Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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