does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
