I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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