bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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