either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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