he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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