thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
