The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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