Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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