I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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