Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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