where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
