From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
