woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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