Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
