I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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