The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize