I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
