If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
