smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
