im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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