i love accidental penises.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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