hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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