if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
