I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Randomize
