I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
