Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
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If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
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Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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