I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
