Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
