Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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