So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
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Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
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Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.