im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
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It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
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Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.