I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues