Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
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i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
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Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.