o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
