I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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