So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
