where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
