well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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