I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
