Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
