Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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