the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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