We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
handjob tips. give me some.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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