Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize