So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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