Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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