Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
