I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
