When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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