Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
