never play flip cup with pint glasses
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
