I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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